CONFIRMED
BACKCHOD
CASE FILE #002 · CLEARANCE: FRIENDS ONLY

ALI: MOST WANTED

 

The definitive, fully interactive dossier on Ali Hassnain Jaffri. Polygraph included. Lawyers not.

Read the Charges Take the Polygraph File a Testimony
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YEARS KNOWN
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GROUP CHATS RUINED
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EXCUSES GIVEN
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SAMOSAS OWED
INTERACTIVE EXHIBIT

Run the Polygraph

Official Truth Detector™

Click below. The machine will generate a statement Ali has definitely said, then tell you — scientifically, unquestionably — whether it was a lie.

Press the button to begin questioning.
TRUTH LIE
AWAITING INPUT
EXHIBIT A

The Charges (click to expand)

In the beginning of our friendship, we thought he was a car lover at heart, like us. But then he proved us entirely wrong about him. I got the confirmation when he said that every old car is a classic car, and when Waleed raised the point about the FX, he said, "Yes, this car is also a classic car."
GUILTY
Ali is currently dating a girl named B—and trust me, the “B” stands for a lot more than just her name. She’s a whore, hooking up with anyone who gives her attention. To test her loyalty, we sent a guy her way, and not only did she fail, she went full naughty in their dirty talks. Honestly, I wouldn’t be shocked if B is still talking to ali in a naughty way .
GUILTY
Ali is currently in a relationship with a girl named B, and let’s be honest—the “B” stands for bitch. She’s a bitch , juggling different relationships at the same time. To test her loyalty, we sent a guy to see what she’d do, and not only did she fail miserably, but she also talked dirty to him—way too dirty."
GUILTY
Ali’s relationship with the gym is about as real as the USA’s connection to Osama bin Laden—pretty much nonexistent. He’s never set foot in a gym, but if someone told him eating crap would give him muscles, he’d probably do it. Instead, he chases greasy food and, to top it off. .
GUILTY
Ali owns a Yamaha—an old Yamaha Deluxe 100, the sort typically seen with local milk sellers. Even by those humble standards, his bike is a disappointment. Most bikes of this kind are now just scraps, cluttering up scrapyards and taking up space—much like an old prostitute no one wants to acknowledge, only seen from a distance and best ignored.
GUILTY
Ali thrives on arguing and rarely misses an opportunity to debate, but he often derails discussions with illogical points and then declares himself the winner without listening to anyone else. He especially enjoys religious debates, despite not knowing much about the subject. Ironically, while his family is deeply religious, Ali treats religion as little more than a joke.
GUILTY
Ali wasn’t always the way he is now. There was a time when he was a genuinely good person, and I considered him like a brother. We spent countless hours talking and sharing our lives. There’s a saying: “You either die a hero, or you live long enough to see yourself become the villain.” This perfectly describes his situation. Everything changed when he started dating someone who had a negative influence on him. Our close group of four friends began to drift apart, especially after he said that friends were a waste of time. That was the moment things started to unravel. He distanced himself from us and chose his new relationship over our friendship, fully aware of the impact it had on all of us.
GUILTY
EXHIBIT B

Unlocked Achievements

🏆

Serial Latecomer

Ali has never once arrived before the event ended.

95% LEGENDARY
📵

Ghosting Specialist

Ali reads every message, replies to none, somehow still the group's yapper support.

80% ICONIC
🍛

Free Food Radar

Ali appears within 4 minutes of any free food being mentioned, anywhere.

100% MAXED OUT
EXHIBIT C

Hall of Shame — A Timeline

MOST LEGENDARY

The Great Exam Hall Early-Comer of 2022

Ali is so scared of being late that he showed up before the invigilator did — the one and only time punctuality struck.

That thing everyone screenshotted

He said something so dumb the group chat couldn't stop taking screenshots.

The "I'll pay you back tomorrow" saga

He never pays back — just keeps saying "after this, after that," forever.

Lost his own phone while it was ringing in his pocket

Still somehow obsessed with his garbage phone, the legendary Sego Node 71.

Showed up to the wrong exam hall, on the right day

He's so dumb that he's just — dumb as hell.

INTERACTIVE EXHIBIT

The Roast Generator

Click below to generate an official roast.
WITNESS STATEMENTS

What Friends Say (Under Oath)

FAQ

Frequently Asked Questions

Absolutely not. This is a roast page made with love by his college friends. No actual court of law was involved.
Yes — he knows, and this exists entirely because he can take a joke (allegedly).
Yes — scroll down to the guestbook and file your testimony for the record.
FINAL EXHIBIT

File Your Testimony

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